Friday, May 22, 2009

Live from the Trenches of Motherhood

Ce n'est pas aujourd'hui que le ciel me tombera sur la tête...

Today, the bus monitor called me because I forgot to pick up my daughter.

It was one of those Friday half-days, which are darned hard to keep up with, what with all Spanish holidays commemorating obscure Saints and glorious Apparitions, Assumptions, Ascensions and Immaculate Conceptions of our Our Blessed Virgin...not to mention the vagaries of the French Education Nationale labor calendar, with its various strikes and half-days (to plan how they will do less work in the next calendar year). Not that I'm going to spit on Education Nationale because my husband is a product of that and my daughter has a bona-fide, CERN-trained Ph.D. particle physicist as her fourth grade teacher, who's young, cool and lets the kids call him by his first name. Plus, did I mention that French public education abroad is a real bargain compared to anything you would pay in the US. Oh, and the school year lasts through the end of June, joy!

You may be a better parent than we are

I suppose this is an improvement over last year. That was the year my daughter's school teachers called a conference with us to discuss her "organizational issues"-- how she was turning in her homework crumpled up and forgetting to bring the appropriate red, blue and black color-coded ink pens.

My husband and I both, independently, forgot this meeting and showed up 1/2 an hour late. By this time the "educational specialist" they have sit in on these meetings had another appointment. All we could do was grin sheepishly and suggest that "Perhaps the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." "Organizational skills?" The child gets good grades, is sociable with her peers and respectful toward her teachers...give me a break, private school.

Today, my "independent-minded," au naturel (our latest idea for "shock and awe" potty training by the September 3-yr. old preschool deadline) 2 year-old shited all over our white leather living room couch. Soon after that, the latest issue of the "Potty Training Concepts" newsletter appeared in my in-box. Coincidence? I think not.

This inspired my "creative" 6 1/2 year old twin boys to use Mac Photobooth to start producing "poop films" (don't ask). I expect great things from these two.

Is in imminent danger of becoming a Twitterwhore/future Facebook updates

"Try for (fuller-figured) Lisa Cuddy look"

"What would Jack Bauer do?" Vis-a-vis the fact, Marc has "lost" 3 iPods in 7 months and need to look up iPhone app with bad-ass tracing software.

"Said no to the gym and yes to carbs!"

"Is so hep and desirable that hep and desirable people--more so than you, my dear 'friends!'--fight over the privilege taking me to hep and desirable places."

"Top 5 things my 'friends' resent about me"

1) My classic good looks?
2) My stunning figure?
3) My plastic, fantastic life?
4) My H.I.P. (Higher Ivy Potential) children!

"Luv ya'all too. Air kisses. Mwah, mwah."

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