To British Air With Love

"The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today," Lewis Carroll.

Along with certain beliefs in human dignity, the innate fairness and logic of authority, and the inalienable rights of the individual, my middle class American cultural baggage imbued childhood memories of air travel (to visit my grandparents in the seventies) with a spirit of excitement and anticipation. My mother would dress my sister and me in our better clothes (athletic shoes, sweatsuits and shorts were not expected to make an appearance outside sporting venues) and make it clear that unless we wished to forgo a thousand delights and indulgences of childhood, under no circumstances were we to humiliate her with a display of anything less than our best manners. Although we always flew coach, the airplane felt like a privileged and highly civil means of transportation.

That era fades into a distant memory against today's backdrop of the airport of the future, a venue that manages to combine the charms of a Greyhound bus terminal with triage at a low-security prison.

Have kids, will travel

Along my journey towards adulthood, I've managed to acquire four children of my own, something that has not eliminated empathy for anybody who has ever had to spend hours cooped up in a plane behind some squalling brat. I can truly say I make every effort to make sure that that child is not mine and I fully support whichever airline it was that chucked out the little horror that refused to buckle its seatbelt, along with its whiny, enabling parents. Ironically, the same litigious spirit which allows the child's parents to feel their rights had been infringed on by the seatbelt mandate, would have also been invoked against the airline had the little troglodyte been allowed to experience what it deserved--having its head bonked at the first sign of air turbulence. As for those younger children whose behavior simply cannot be helped, a mother of twins once shared with me a gracious panacea--offering the unfortunate cabin-mates importuned by one's offspring free drinks, preferably hard liquor.

Despite appearances to the contrary, parents of young children actually get few breaks in today's air travel environment. Just try getting through the carry-on luggage scanning line with an infant in a stroller. In that vein, the one travel experience, I always grit my teeth for is our annual trek, with the children, to visit my husband's family in Mallorca. Past bad experiences with Delta and Iberia and Madrid's Barajas airport led me to the conclusion that traveling with one carrier for both legs of the non-direct trip and flying through an English-speaking hub might alleviate our problems. To others whose experiences have been less than satisfactory with Spanish carriers or any elements of the hospitality industry in Spain, I have one word for you "El libro de reclamaciones," a Franco holdover from an era when individual liberties might have been curtailed but, by God, the trains ran on time, and the consequences for poor service were serious.

So how did things go with British Air the past two years: 0 for 2 and I'm thinking of going back to sucking it up with Delta.

It all started late July last year when the long arm of Iberia managed to reach out and screw us from afar. It was one of those ridiculous strikes that only seem to happen in Europe. The Iberia baggage personnel occupied all landing strips of the Barcelona airport, shutting down Spain's number two airport, costing millions of dollars, creating a security and logistics nightmare, not to mention pain for thousands of travellers whose flights had to be re-routed in Barcelona and the surrounding airspace. For some reason known only to themselves, in an era when they tell you to show up three hours in advance for international travel, British Air considers that one hour is suitable connection time between flights in a major hub like London Gatwick. On the delayed outbound flight to London, the pilot came to reassure us that he had been in touch with the Atlanta-bound crew of the connecting flight and that we should sprint out as soon as the plane landed beause they would hold the plane. I told him that I was six months pregnant and asthmatic, with three children and could they please arrange to have one of those motorized carts or at least some airline personnel to escort us.

No personnel and no motorized assistance were forthcoming when we exited our plane. I did manage to sprint it out with the kids and make it to the terminal with the Atlanta-bound plane still there. So, imagine my surprise when they would not let us board. They pretended that this was some sort of formality of it being too close to the departure time (none of which prevented them, earlier, from telling a 6-month pregnant woman with three children to run through Gatwick to try and make the flight). The reality, which everyone who flies frequently these days knows-- the real truth--was that they had already given up our seats due to overbooking. What ensued was two hours with my tired kids (who had had to get up at 4am that morning to make it to the airport on time for the first flight) as the gate agent tried to figure out how to get us to Atlanta. Ultimately, the only way they could make this happen was to put us on a 5:30am flight the next morning to Dublin, followed by a noon flight from Dublin to Atlanta, putting us up for the night in some squalid, fleabag motel in the vicinity of Gatwick.

First Class All the Way, Baybee

Awful as my experiences flying have been, they have all been in Cabin Class, so I still held out the illusion that somewhere in first class people breathed a rareified air where the airline passenger is treated with something better than contempt and disdain. I am told this is true--if you fly Singapore Airlines, which sounds like a nod to the 1960s when flight attendants were hired on the basis of being young, cute and chipper. Meanwhile, on the major American and European carriers, those same attendants they hired back in the 60's are still flying and many of them ain't so elated about it.

The first thing that set me against British Air this year was that they forced us to pay over $2000 to change two business class and six coach class tickets (for the children and nannies) to fly one day earlier from Mallorca. The service agent was completely unsympathetic about our experience missing the one hour window for the connecting flight last year and refused to give any statistics on the percentage of their Palma to London flights that actually make it on time. Nope, we had to pay the full "international" change fee for all fares.

So, imagine my surprise after purchasing my tickets five months in advance and shelling out a fortune in change fees, not to mention the cost of staying overnight in London, to compensate for their ridiculous one hour layover, when we get to the airport two and a half hours early the next morning only to be told by the bubblehead in charge of issuing the boarding passes that two of our party are on stand-by. I ask exactly how they plan to sort this out since, with the exception of my husband, one of the nannies and myself, everyone else is a minor and cannot fly alone. She replies that it's not the airline's fault: they are forced to overbook or "they will lose money since not everybody shows up to fly." It must take some practice to look people in the eye and say in so many words "We're not greedy bastards trying to get an extra 5 or 10% on top of our profit margin. It's economic necessity that forces us to screw you." Because the no-shows wouldn't have to pay their fare up front like everybody else, would they?

Bubblehead assures me that we will get on the plane it is just a question of re-assigning seats because of all the people who had the foresight to check in online 24 hours in advance grabbed up all the primo seats and made it impossible for our children to sit with their sitters in the economy cabin. She implies that it is our fault for not having the foresight to take advantage of the 24 hour advance check-in, something that I have just heard about for the first time that day. This seat re-assignment apparently takes computing and logistic qualities beyond those she possesses because she taps around for an hour with no results, as my children and baby grow more and more restless. Ironically, had the plane arrived on time, we still would have missed the one hour connection window due to the overbooking saga.

During this period the kids get thirsty, need to go to the bathroom, and the baby becomes hungry. My back starts to hurt and I ask for a chair to sit down and nurse him. She says that it's not possible to provide one. That's when it hits me: the revelation of how to extract myself from this situation. Denied a chair, I pull out one of the suitcases to the middle of the Club World First Class ticketing area, glare at her and sit down to nurse my baby. I do have more innate modesty and less need for drama than the breast-feeding mother traveling Delta who insisted on flashing everybody (my experience seeing the masses of flesh roasting on Spanish beaches is that what is most exposed is usually not what you want to see). However, I can also see that plopping myself down on top of a suitcase to breastfeed, surrounded by the gypsy encampment of my children, including my eight year old daughter singing girls' camp clapping songs: "Miss Merry Mac, Mac, Mac, with silver buttons down her back, back, back" is having the desired effect. Quite simply, we are not projecting that Club World First Class travel image with which British Air like to associate themselves. Too bad we don't have some domestic animals running about or some flint and firewood to start grilling out sausages, while we're at it.

Within five minutes: the solution arrives. Her matronly appearance, grey helmet-hair and perma-scowl let me know this is the answer to my prayers, the supervisor--"She who talketh to the computers." Remember the Spacing Guild in Dune? You start out with the novices who exhibit rather standard patterns of human interaction and appearance, moving all the way up to the guy floating in an orange cloud of Spice in the aquarium? When it comes to interstellar travel, he's your man. Unlike her younger colleague, this woman's typing produces results. In 10 minutes and we are finally issued boarding passes. I have achieved another one of those life lessons. If you are denied first-class treatment, even when you've paid a fortune to try and ensure it, find some politically correct way to act like their third-world nightmare of third class and you'll achieve the new standard in airline service--getting screwed, less.

Comments

Unknown said…
Minor correction...those strikes also happen in Philly. I was on a JBoss gig a few years back and the union baggage handlers did the very same thing and was stranded in the airport for hours. Had I had any belief that I would be able to recover it later if I left it...I would have...but it was made very clear to me that those same baggage handlers would probably be taking my warez if I did not... So I arrived at like 7pm...and left he airport at 2am. You know...when you write the story it is far my sympathetic than when marc did...and inspired my parody: http://blogs.jboss.com/blog/acoliver/2005/08/10/When_systems_fail_and_people_dont_care_pt_II.txt

It is those details he leaves out...leaving you with exotic vacation...2 nannies...etc. Ironically I blogged linking to that very post just hours ago (http://blog.buni.org/blog/acoliver/opensource/2007/08/08/Reminder-Come-see-us-tomorrow-at-the-Next-Generation-Datacenter-Expo-at-Linuxworld).. Sick minds think alike.
Jeff Haynie said…
Marc pointed me to this post - not sure how I missed it. My wife and I just laughed as we read this and talked about the many times over the past 7 years while we traveled with kids in tow each summer and winter for vacations. Each time, I swear I'll never do it again - and each time, we do it over and over.

We have 3 kids, I can't imagine 1 more. :)
Anonymous said…
Good post.
Anonymous said…
色美媚部落格一葉晴貼影片av127甜心寶貝貼影區甜心寶貝貼影片免費手機遊戲小魔女影片交流小魔女拍自天堂小魔女貼影片視訊ukiss聊天室視訊聊天室後官電影主入口sex383線上娛樂場080聊天網ipartment愛情公寓伊利論壇megarotic線上免費a片557557.com豆豆聊天室557557哈拉聊天室a383免費avdvd下載plus論壇p2psogo烏天室90691色情貼圖片區台北69成人情色貼圖網台灣18成人無碼貼圖a383成人影城a383l影音城a383girl影音城383洪爺影城免費成人貼圖網免費A片A圖網aaa片免費看短片流精歲月論壇免費線上看A片QQ美女交友聊天室壞朋友論壇fliendo宏爺影城hi5 tv免費成人影片HI5 TV免費影片亂倫圖書館辣美眉173show影片Badjojo免費女優電影日本av女優貼圖網亞洲風暴情色貼圖網愛愛成人電影院亞洲無碼電影下載711成人美美貼圖區哈啦色美媚部落格哈啦部落格哈啦免費遊戲網哈啦網路社區080 聊天室 6k聊天館尋夢園6k聊天室聯盟後官電影電影院 - 20jack美少女自拍貼圖男女情色寫真貼圖洪爺免費影城洪爺影城H漫-成人漫畫嘟嘟情人色網影片8comic無線動漫網性福免費影片分享航海王h短片分享彩虹頻道免費a短片成人做愛影片丁字褲性感影片性愛自拍貼圖區免費性愛影片下載無碼av直播室免費影片線上直播台灣a片王洪爺 影片下載區美國a片下載免費a片影片下載免費a片短片下載台灣美女寫真貼圖區girl5320 貼片貼圖區免費a片線上觀看卡通美女短片免費試看色妹妹貼片貼圖區色色小遊戲百分百貼影片區ut蟲蟲聊天室嘟嘟色情貼圖區69成人聊天室免費線上成人影片免費色情貼圖貼片007色情貼圖網米克成人情色論壇色情動漫貼片論壇微風成人交友論壇小說520聊天室小幻好玩遊戲區girl5320免費性愛影片成人影片 - sex貼片區伊利情色討論區383成人影城伊莉成人討論區歐美模特兒寫真歐美a免費線上看85cc成人片免費色咪咪影片網櫻井莉亞三點全露寫真集豆豆色情聊天室2009真情寫真日本偷自拍圖片女學生自拍電影貼片區999成人性站0951撥打電話下載成人電影下載網色情電影分享區洪爺色情電影免費色情小電影台灣色情電影下載站免費色情電影觀賞色情卡通電影免費下載色情電影免費下載免費下載色情電影免費成人片觀賞免費色情電影下載a圖網情色貼圖交流論壇小老鼠論壇夜玥論壇台灣論壇好玩遊戲區袍笑小老鼠論壇mcy論壇微風論壇短片區台灣論壇遊戲區依莉論壇線上成人影片論壇男人的最愛草莓論壇小老鼠分享論壇eney伊莉論壇ok論壇dcp2p論壇搜樂論壇台灣論壇女生遊戲香港論壇ktzone論壇台灣18成人網 情色文學美美情色 文學小說UT援交友聊天室豆豆交友聊天室嘟嘟聊天室入口嘟嘟成人聊天室新6k聊天室新豆豆聊天室視訊聊天室摸摸扣扣視訊美女34c視訊情人高雄網成人貼圖區粉喵聊天室同學會視訊聊天室同學會影音聊天室ut影音視訊聊天室13077080中部人聊天室080 聊天室絕色影城絕色成人影城偷玩小遊戲寫真女郎影片視訊交友高雄網兔女郎貼影區慾望城市貼影小幻好玩遊戲meetic聊天室交友魔鏡歌詞網免費美女小遊戲使萊姆好玩遊區美女遊戲下載ndsl遊戲下載洪爺無碼VCD下載洪爺成人短片洪爺成人影片性愛影片下載性趣十足美人光碟飯島愛影片直播愛當落學院小魔女自拍貼圖天堂援交友留言聊天室卡通18美少女圖H卡通圖片成人卡通頻道18成人dvd火影忍者漫畫連載taiwankiss文學區
Anonymous said…
85cc免費影城85cc免費影片免費 a 片台灣論壇免費影片線上免費a片觀看85cc免費影片線上觀賞a片免費看免費A片A片-sex女優王國免費卡通影片線上觀看小魔女免費影城免費看 aa的滿18歲影片免費a片卡通sex888影片分享區520sex貼片區sex520免費影片免費色咪咪影片網免費影片下載aaaaaa片俱樂部成人a影片論壇aaa片免費看短片後宮0204movie免費影片gogo2sex馬子免費影片免費線上a片aaa片免費看短片sex888免費看影片免費 a 片aaa的滿18歲卡通影片免費線上avdvdaaaa彩虹頻道免費影片sexdiy影城aaaa 片俱樂部sex520免費影片85cc成人影城洪爺影城免費線上歐美A片觀看彩虹頻道免費影片免費卡通影片線上觀看臺灣情色網線上免費a長片浪漫月光論壇 sex383線上娛樂場dudu sex免費影片 杜蕾斯成人bbs x693 com sex888sogo 成人論壇plus論壇sex520免費影片sex999日本美女寫真集sex888 freebbs hk85cc免費影片微風成人av論壇亞洲免費影片線上直播日本 avdvd 介紹免費觀賞視訊情色遊戲sexdiy影城免費成人視訊一本道 a片 東京熱情色影片免費影片下載asex888免費看影片論壇sex888movie影城情色小說本土辣妹34c影片直播吉澤明步免費a片av080免費試看免費aa片試看sex888 freebbs hk卡通美女a片免費試看aa的滿18歲影片a 免費影片觀賞aaa免費看影片aaaaa片俱樂部影片5278論壇免費影片觀賞av博物館sex383線上娛樂場日本 avdvd 介紹免費觀賞avdvd無碼情色電影sexy girl video movie亞洲禁果影城卡通aa片免費看383movie成人影城ut13077視訊聊天aio性愛dvd辣妹影片直播金瓶影片交流區免費a片卡通hilive tv 免費電影彩虹頻道免費短片台南援交友留言彩虹頻道免費短片aio交友愛情館a 免費影片觀賞

Popular posts from this blog

$6.66B for BEA: Larry goes Shopping

Thug vs Thug: Porsche 1, Hedge Funds: 0

Quickies #3, protecting IP in OSS